Gratitude Ain’t Easy

Warning: This is a long, catch-up post.

Thanksgiving is one of my most favorite holidays (after my birthday). Oddly, not because of my love for Thanksgiving food (I don’t like it), but because of the true meaning of the season. Many of you know that I try to live a life of intentional gratitude year-round, but I love having so many of you join me on the gratitude journey during this holiday season. However, to my surprise and maybe to yours, I quit on gratitude this year.  I quit on one of my favorite scriptures which states to give thanks in all circumstances not just the good ones 1 Thessalonians 5:18. I quit on living a life of authenticity and I even quit on my blogging weekly gratitude challenge because I refused to find reasons to be grateful.

Some of you may say this doesn’t sound like you because you aren’t a quitter. You would be right. I solve problems, not run from them, but wrapping up our first year of marriage and moving into the second was a true test and I give myself an F.

This past March was an extremely hard month for my husband’s family and friends. We had so many deaths surrounding us that it was almost getting to be too much to answer the phone because you just knew it would be bad news. Although, it was a lot going on we were excited because we found out we were pregnant. We had gone to the doctor, received a cute little ultrasound, told our families on Easter Sunday, and headed off to San Francisco to celebrate our 1st year of marriage. Life was bittersweet. We were happy about the life we were building together, but having mixed feelings with so many others losing loved ones.

Our trip together was different. I needed lots of breaks and naps, but we were okay with it because we knew it was for good reason. But, on April 1 (No more April Fool’s Jokes for me!) I started spotting. We called the doctor to be sure it was normal and they told us not to worry unless I started bleeding. They explained the difference and so we kept it moving to go on the Alcatraz tour. I felt so uncomfortable there, but I thought it was a combination of touring a prison and pregnancy hormones, however a few hours later we realized I was bleeding through my clothes and I really didn’t feel well. My heart stopped and any logic I had went out the door and Mark had to step in and navigate the entire situation. I was moody, afraid, and quiet. We were stuck on a boat and I had on light pink pants. I was so self-conscious and unprepared. While on the boat, we called our doctors who told us to go to the emergency room, but we went to the hotel first. I wanted to change and we needed to get a few things because we both knew it wouldn’t be a short night. Hours later we got the official news that we were miscarrying and were sent back to the hotel to figure out next steps. I wanted to come home, but glad my husband had more sense than me and suggested we stay and try to keep busy so we did. (“Now you can have wine!” he said).We went through the phone calls and texts to people we had told and although it was hard, that wasn’t the hardest part. The hardest part was:

1. When you find out you’re pregnant it’s becomes your baby. It doesn’t matter how early. It is a loss. 
2. The process for miscarrying is not just 1 day. It is weeks of bleeding, cramping, doctor visits, and blood level checks. It is hard to move on. 
3. People say all kind of insensitive things even though they don’t mean any harm. It still hurts. (It wasn’t your baby; At least you got pregnant; My friend had 4 miscarriages and now she has a baby; It was early some people lose much later to name a few).

From April to May, it was easier to try to pretend that I didn’t care and that I was ready to move on, but I was on edge and stressed. Stressed with wrapping up JLC projects, starting a new project at work in a new city with new people, and  all the holidays and celebrations that come in May (including Mother’s Day). I didn’t want to miss a beat or for people to see my broken so I kept a smile on a face, told people I was okay, and kept my plate full.

In June, we found out we were pregnant again and what a blessing that was. Right? Right! But, I wasn’t ready. I was so caught off guard thinking it would take months to happen again, but here I was tired with a full face and a positive test. I wanted the doctors to see me right away, but of course they wouldn’t and scheduled me for when they thought I would be 8 weeks. So June became the waiting game again and I had to remind myself often to breath. July came and we heard a healthy, strong heartbeat, got our March due date. And I exhaled.

Apparently, I exhaled too soon, because a couple of weeks later, I was gearing up for a girls trip to Cabo and the day before we were supposed to leave, I started bleeding again. This was different. I stood up and blood just fell out of me. There wasn’t a warning and I wasn’t in any pain. I was hysterical. I immediately thought the worst. I thought I was miscarrying and that my baby had just fell out on the ground. We rushed to the hospital and good ole Mark saved me from looking like I needed to be committed by remaining calm and level-headed. (Clearly, we both have different strengths). After what seemed like forever, they told me that I was experiencing hemorrhaging in my uterus, could possibly have an incompetent cervix, and that I needed to be on a form of bed rest until I got to 12 weeks. The goal was to get to 12 weeks and IF I didn’t miscarry before then, they would be able to help me.

I was feeling so frustrated and defeated. How can something that is supposed to feel special and happy just feel sad?  Why isn’t this beautiful? Why isn’t this easy? Why am I stressed? More importantly, how am I supposed to be thankful for all of this happening to me?

So surprise, I went into hiding again. I felt so fragile and more on edge than ever. I only wanted to talk to my husband and I didn’t want anyone else to see me like this. Scared, hopeless, and vulnerable. I didn’t like myself, but I couldn’t fix it. My emotions were taking over my logic. Although, I wasn’t giving thanks, I knew I needed peace that only He can provide. So, I started a prayer wall just like they did in the movie War Room and became very intentional about praying for our baby and turning my fears into prayers. It really worked to give me peace and increase my faith.

3 LONG weeks later, in August, we went to the doctor with many mixed feelings, but mainly fear and hope. Thankfully, we got the BEST report that they didn’t see any signs of issues with my uterus or my cervix and to get back on the plane for work. (My kind of doctor). It was so easy to be thankful in that moment and I immediately felt convicted about how easy it was to give God thanks then, but not through the entire journey. I knew that that was the 1st of many lessons I was supposed to learn from this experience. 

In wrapping up our journey of “The Tale of 2 1st Trimesters,” I realized that I have felt judged by many people through this process because I haven’t been the typical “pregnant mom full of bliss.” I have felt unsupported at times from going through my journey my way and not feeling the way everyone expects you to feel. It’s hard to express feelings that make others uncomfortable. Feelings like “Today I am overwhelmed” “I feel fragile” “I am scared.”Many people push how they want you to feel onto you instead of allowing you to genuinely be in the moment where you are OR they try to give you “perspective” which makes you feel like your current situation isn’t as bad as theirs so you should hide your feelings. I have learned that I have to be strong enough to be okay with how I am feeling despite how it makes others feel.

Although, I wasn’t thankful through our miscarriage, I can honestly see several things to be thankful for now.

1. I was never that girl who couldn’t wait to be pregnant and kind of thought I didn’t care about being pregnant as long as I could raise kids through adoption. The miscarriage taught me that I do care and I do want to create life with my husband and not just adopt. I still want to adopt, Mark. 
2. There are people in your life that will  allow you the space you need to be yourself. Those are my people. 
3. I didn’t think it was possible for my husband and I to be any closer or for me to love him more than I did when we got married, but we are like a double peanut butter and jelly sandwich now. We all know he’s the nut. I mean peanut!
4. I have learned the importance of silence and being okay with not saying anything. Yep. Even chatty knows that some people just need to be quiet including me!
5. I have experienced the true meaning of God’s grace and will focus on making sure I extend grace to others before passing judgement. Give people a pass.

I wish I was mature enough in my faith to thank God and praise Him in advance for our miracle, rainbow baby boy coming early next year, but I wasn’t. I do have hope that this test has prepared me for the next test and I’ll be able to put my faith into action quicker, but I just hope that it’s not anytime soon!

I hope everyone has a wonderful and grateful holiday season. Please keep us in your prayers that  our little boy arrives healthy, happy, a good eater and sleeper, and has a great personality with a heart for God and people and that Mark and I are the parents that God would have us to be through all circumstances.

Explaining it all,
Charlitta